No more waiting for me

Looking into the future

It’s funny how the mind works.

What is my purpose, what am I good at? What special training will buff my self-esteem and make me shiny again?

It feels as if I’ve avoided the hard work of writing my whole life. Anything is preferable to failing even if that means failing at something else.

Because I’m good (real good) at shooting low. At choosing jobs that are safe and soul sucking. But no more waiting for life to hand me my purpose or for inspiration to strike. I honestly don’t know what that is, and believe me I’ve waited a long time to find out.

So I’m going to face my writing and go for true suckage… If I can finish anything at all it will be a victory. I will sit my butt down and I will write.

And I will embrace the suck.

………………………

The Daily Post Waiting

Photo by Alice Popkorn

The Shining Blade

“There are those who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.  He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”

–Matthew 19:12

Ever since I read this yesterday I’ve been contemplating its meaning- whether in the shower or watching Galaxy Quest with my son or even staring into the fridge wondering what I’m having for lunch.

Like the metaphorical eunuch, can I cut off my false dreams, painful thoughts, and delusional fantasies? Is this cutting off even possible?  I’m intrigued.  I’m scared.  I’ve crushed some thoughts to my chest like an old rag doll – doesn’t matter if it’s coming apart at the seams.  Doesn’t matter if it offers nothing in return for my devotion… I don’t want to let go.

Looking back, I see how loss was part of the journey and even sowed the seeds for future joy. Intellectually I get that. Emotionally, letting go can feel as if I am giving up on purpose (intent, control, resolution). And yet there is something in me that dares to know the truth. Maybe the modern day eunuch questions his thinking and the thoughts release him. Maybe questioning is the fire that heats the blade. Maybe the eunuchs know.

Maybe I can know.

Photo by Xtream_i

The Daily Prompt: Purpose

(and, yes, abbreviated quote from Matthew 19:12 )

Oh Kali

Kali is destroying old boundaries

Healing comes from letting there be room for all of “this” to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.   – Pema Chodron


I am not walking away from myself today

Instead I sit and choose to burn

Anger rains down on me, ruby red coals

My heart expands in the bittersweet embrace of Kali

Memories collide and tangle, the pain expands

But I am finding myself in these flames

I am holding my heart as it bleeds

I am finding the mother the father the community the best friend I’ve never had

Here

Photo Alice Popkorn

The Daily Prompt: Angry

The Rooster Files and the Meaning of Life

CHUCK

“So you’re telling me this is just a phase?”

“Oh, it’s a phase. It’s totally a phase.”

“But it feels so permanent… this whole being human thing. I mean, until we die. It feels hella real. And I haven’t accomplished a damn thing, you know that, right? It’s embarrassing, really. Heartbreaking.”

“Oh, god, you really believe that matters! Hold on, I have to wipe my eyes.

“So not to be insensitive, but how long do you really think you have on earth? At the outside, say 90 years or thereabouts? Would you even want to be around longer? Never mind, not relevant. Bottom line, you are literally the twitch of a blink of a cosmic eye. There’s only one reason you’re here and everything else is filler. You can judge that filler as good or bad. Accomplished or tragic. But Life isn’t judging you and there is no prize for Best Human. Shit. As if.”

“You make sense, but you’re a rooster so really, I’m probably just talking to myself.”

“If that makes you feel better. I am a rooster, true. But wise as the stars, my friend. Wise as the… But hey, you believe concepts that make no damn sense anyway. Am I just a rooster? Appearances can be deceiving.”

“I’m so lost… Wait. What’s the one thing I’m here for then? Was that rooster speak or do you really know?”

“Being lost is fantastic. Great place to be. When you question everything you enter into freedom. And the one thing? Remember City Slickers?”

“The movie? Where Curly holds up a finger? That’s the one thing?!”

“Ok, corny, but yeah, that’s where I was going except… and here’s a hint… the one thing has nothing to do with accomplishment. He, he… NOTHING to do with it.”

“So find my one thing…”

“Except that it’s not a thing, right? It’s more a state, a north star. Makes sense?  Just don’t compare your one thing to someone else’s.”

“Because I rock, I talk to roosters, and to hell with living up to expectations. That about it?”

“Now you’re getting it! Fly high my dear and don’t be afraid to crow with the sun. It feels good to make a little noise.”

Daily prompt Phase

Photo by Alice Popkorn

Wake Up

arrive

It’s not that dreams are bad, they’re just not real. Not nearly as amazing as waking up.

On the one hand you have the familiar: your deep unhappiness, your pain, your familiar burdens. You’re mostly ok with that because you have dreams. Dreams of Better, More, Different, Improved.

And when you’re used to living small, you need dreams. I did. I do. But there comes a point when you need to choose the red pill. Or is it the blue one?

You choose to wake up and let your blankie go… you embrace your pain and your hurt. You don’t imagine a better future. You find your peace, your Self, in the present. Right where you’ve always been.

And maybe you’re able to face that like a warrior, like someone who remembers we’re not given more than we can handle. As long as you have you… is it (any of it) really so bad? Remember yourself? That sweet, amazing person who has been longing for your attention, possibly for years? Yeah. She’s right there. She has some things to say. And it has nothing to do with dreaming of that future achievement… and everything to do with finding happiness now. No strings attached, no future fulfillment required. Total, amazing, completeness that allows for all possibility.

 

Photo: Alice Popkorn

Word prompt: Dream

A Gab with the Buddha

Buddha sat crossed legged on a grass mat. “Ok, sister, let me have it.”

I picked at a corner of my thumb nail I thought… the problem was that I had so many questions I didn’t know where to start. “I’m not Buddhist, you know…”

“Yeah,” he smiled softly. “I get that. Try not to get caught up in labels. Just let it fly, don’t think about it first.”

I mentally reviewed how I managed to be here, sitting in front of Siddhartha… One minute I was rubbing a laughing Buddha belly at the counter of the Natural Foods Cafe, and the next, I found myself in this ethereal forest breathing Nag Champa incense.

Strangely accepting of this surreal moment I leaned forward. “Can you foresee the future? Or are just going to tell me to look within? Because I’ve tried that. There’s not a lot there.”

“So you think there’s a within… and a without?”

I blinked.  “Isn’t there?”

He smiled.  “I can see the future sometimes… but to be specific, I can definitely see your future now. And here’s the fortune in your fortune cookie: You’re going to live a long life.”

I cringed. The suckage that was my existence stretched into a distant future. This wasn’t exactly good news.

Narrowing his eyes, he continued. “Yeah, a long life. Along the way you’re going to be surprised by yourself. You’ll make some bad choices, some elegant choices, and then you’ll come to a ‘big decision.’ I’m not talking about something like should you take a new job or stay where you are, growing your 401k. I’m talking about life. And death. Bliss.” He settled deeper into himself, closing his eyes. “You’re going to decide if you’ll become … me. And that decision will come up again and again until it gets answered.”

The incense started to burn my eyes. A vibration started at the base of my spine like the singing of a Tibetan bowl. Time was almost up.

Suddenly the light around me grew brighter and brighter. I could barely see Buddha’s outline as I became engulfed in golden flame. “Om mani padme hum, sister.” He opened one eye and winked. “Just remember… being the Buddha is no excuse to let loose on the donuts. A big belly is optional. And one more thing… I believe in you.”

The buzzing sensation grew louder, until I couldn’t think. As quick as a snap, I was back at the cafe. “Well, miss, have you decided yet?” I looked at the cashier, my eyes wide. “Yes.”